Antisocials Anonymous
by flaringdichotomies
Summary: Upon his first day attending the College of the Lyrist, John finds his classmate bears a striking resemblance to a vampire. A work in poorly planned histrionics based on a prompt I encountered. John/Dave
1. Chapter 1

A young woman stood in the downtown district of her new home, just outside the popular club _Three in the Morning._ A small mirror in hand, she feigned interest in fixing her dark lipstick. In reality, the woman watched the reflections of partygoers as they streamed from the establishment. Ever patient, she examined their demeanor and body language in the small pane, in absence of a more glaring tell. Finally, the door swung open on its own. She listened as light footsteps passed her and glanced up. Despite his grace, the man was surprisingly large and dressed in a long, grey overcoat.

 **HIM.**

Reaching into her purse, the young woman traded her mirror for a pair of long thorns clipped from an alraune bush. Then, she followed the man at 30 paces back. The man kept to the main street for several blocks before turning into an alleyway. The woman darted forward. **GIVE HIM TO US.** When she turned the corner, the man was facing her. His palms were open in a non-threatening posture.

"It's late ta be wandering down an alley, girly. Be more careful; I coulda been some kinda creep. Ya oughtta know that's dange-"

The woman raised her thorns skyward. Then, she stabbed them toward the earth. Two thorns eight feet in length tore themselves from the tangle of particles hidden between air and void. They slammed down into the man, pinning him to the cement by his shoulder and leg. His screech was entirely inhuman, a sound unholy enough to freeze a regular person in place.

This woman just curled her lip. "Apologies. It's not my style to miss. I prefer a painless death out of respect for your former humanity."

"No, please," the man whimpered, "I won't hurt anyone, I swear. Please don't kill me."

 **WE WILL JUDGE HIM. STAY NOT YOUR HAND.**

The young woman brought her right hand up and stabbed down a second time. The greater alraune thorn was yanked free of the man's shoulder, leaving a ring of decayed flesh, and pierced his heart.

_.._. ._.._

In early fall, the campus was a lovely sight. The stone formations were leeched of color over the years, and untamed ivy reclaimed many of the school's walls. Plans to renovate were made and delayed in an endless cycle of budgetary trouble. Personally, John thought it added an air of mystery and was perfectly content with the College of the Lyrist.

Rather, he would be content had he recalled the size of the campus when he put together his schedule. As it was, he took in very little of the architecture while weaving between students. He had ten minutes to sprint from Calculus Three on one end of the University to Intro to Journalism on the other. Worse, he suspected a bicycle would slow him down with this volume of people to dodge.

Arriving at Ebonpyre Hall with just a minute to spare, John double checked the room number on his schedule. 701. Of course it was on the top floor. The elevator would take too long. With a histrionic sigh, he hit the stairs four steps at a time. Finally swinging open the door, John nodded an apology to the instructor for the interruption and made a mental note to visit his academic counselor right after Journalism. He needed to change his schedule.

He scanned the room for the last open seat; it was in the front right corner of the room. John carefully sat- it still amazed him that such a spindly chair would support his weight- and produced a fresh set of pens and notebooks. Then, he froze. What on Earth was that smell? A mix of apple blossoms, salt, and a hint of… vinegar? No, it was a little more pungent; like formic acid. Definitely formic acid.

Nearly dying of curiousity, John tried to act casual as he glanced to his left. Then he saw the kid. All pretense was lost, and his jaw dropped. The guy was virtually glowing, paler than anyone John had ever seen with a pigment disorder. His hair looked like sugar spun grass and his lips were a hint of rose in ice. He wore onyx black aviators that contrasted with his skin like a soft kiss followed by a punch in the gut. John suddenly had a very strong desire to see his brows, his lashes, his eyes, to just lean over and...

One of his desires was immediately fulfilled when the guy turned toward John and an eyebrow shot over his shades. Oh goodness, it was even finer and prettier than his hair. John was fairly certain he stopped breathing. He couldn't bring himself to care.

The guy must've noticed, too. A hint of a smirk tugged at his lips, and he whispered, "Something catch your eye?"

Without the slightest volume control, John answered, "You smell like Apple Cider Vinegar." That earned John a view of both eyebrows.

The instructor looked irritated at the outburst and the rest of the class confused. When he realized what he'd done, he blushed furiously and buried his head in his notes. "Sorry!" he squeaked. For the rest of the hour, he snuck a liberal amount of looks to his left. When the initial shock of the color wore off, John noticed that the boy would be pretty even in grayscale. He had nice lines: prominent cheekbones and defined collarbones peaking out from his shirt. Then there were the black skinny jeans. They deserved an entire paragraph all on their own. John wasn't sure if he should be envious of those looks or delirious with want.

The first day syllabus and course overview didn't need his full attention anyways.

When the instructor- Ken? It definitely started with a K.- dismissed them, the snowy boy turned to John. "Apple Cider Vinegar?"

John flushed again. The girl on the other side of the pale boy piped in, "I can smell it too! I would've said an ant colony living in an apple tree. Vinegar makes more sense, though. Do you bathe in the stuff or what?!"

John couldn't help but feel disappointed when the boy looked away from him. "That is 100% natural, all organic eau de Strider. Dave Strider, that is." Dave shook the girl's hand.

"I'm Jade Harley!"

John shoved his fists in his sweater pockets. The other two students talked until they were the last three left in the room. John rose with them and awkwardly offered a hand. "John Egbert."

That earned yet another eyebrow from Dave, though he did take John's hand. "Little slow on the introduction there, my fine nosed friend."

Jade grabbed John's left for a double handshake. Her skin was rich in color and calloused with years of honest effort. "Nice to meet you, John! Do either of you have 11 AMs?"

"Negative." "I'm free until 12:30."

Jade beamed. "We should all go get lunch, then! What do you say?"

"Sure," Dave said.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, kindly raven-haired girl. "I'd like that."

Surprisingly, neither Jade nor Dave opted for the elevator, apparently as unbothered by six flights of stairs as John. Dave paused at the door to shrug on a jacket, hood, and gloves.

"Woah, it's- what- 65 out?"

Dave shrugged. "I don't do well with direct sunlight."

The main cafeteria was nestled behind the library. John and Jade wolfed their plates down, and Dave was full after two small bites. Jade declared an arm wrestling match for the leftovers. John pulled his hand from his pocket, fully prepared to go easy on her. He was not expecting to have his knuckles smashed mercilessly into the table.

"Ow! I wasn't ready. Best two out of three."

"Whiner! It's on."

This time, he didn't hold back. Dave had an entire chocolate cake left, and John admitted he was a glutton through and through. It was Jade's turn to look astonished when she was easily overpowered.

Round three, John grinned at his new classmate as he took her hand. She grinned right back. "Go," Dave said.

To his surprise, Jade matched John muscle for muscle, all restraint gone in both parties. The struggle was enough to make them both sweat, neither budging. When the table beneath them started to creak, they exchanged a look and both let go at the same time. "Guess it's a tie." All that effort, and they split the cake.

Still, Jade turned out to be just as interesting as Dave. John better get used to running through mobs of students because he sure wasn't switching out of Journalism.

_.._. ._.._

.^"-.._ '-(\\_/)-' _..-"^.

The first week of college, John learned that Dave and Jade were both taking Journalism to fulfill a freshmen general requirement like him. Jade was interested in particle physics, and Dave was majoring in Asian Studies with a specialization in Japanese, but "I swear to the gods, Egbert, if you say one word about anime, I will rip your tongue out and use it to clean my toilet."

John was rather confused why the boy chose his field of study despite his vocal resentment of anything slightly related to the culture, but to each his own. John told them he was hoping to major in Computational Biology, but he needed outstanding grades his first year to be accepted in the program.

The second week of school, John decided spending time with his two classmates was very pleasant. He couldn't remember the last time he got close to someone. He wasn't sure Jade and Dave actually liked him; he frequently caught them making similar twisted, wistful faces. Still, Dave was clearly there to socialize. He didn't even bother buying lunches anymore, just chatted with the others. Thus ended the wrestling matches for his leftovers.

Two months in, a girl hung back to pester the instructor- was his name Kane? As per usual, the three of them took their sweet time getting packed up. None of them needed even a half hour to eat. Why rush?

Thus, John overheard her talking.

"Sir, I would like to complete the project on my own."

The instructor scowled at her. "The workload is too much for one person."

"So adjust the requirement. I'll do half the work despite being a quarter the team."

"I am NOT changing the project requirements just for you. They were selected very deliberately." Karin? responded. "Find at least one other student to work with, or I'm assigning you a group."

Voice dripping with displeasure, the girl said, "Thank you, sir," and spun on her heel.

The instructor went back to sorting his lecture material and wrestling with his bag. "...hold your tongue. Have to hold your tongue…"

The girl was very lightly colored- though she may as well have been a box of crayons standing next to Dave- with platinum blonde hair and violet contacts. John tapped her shoulder as she walked by, then stuffed his hands in his sweatshirt pouch. "Excuse me."

"Do you need something?"

"Well, we still need one more person." John turned suddenly to the others, uncertain if he'd overstepped his bounds. "We have three people, right? You guys will work with me?"

"Duh." "I'd love to work with all of you!"

The girl looked them over, eyes hard. "Pardon my presumption, but I am not entirely convinced you can keep up with me, _apple cider vinegar."_

John flushed. _That_ was why the girl wanted to work on her own, not just trouble finding teammates. "That was just a slip up. Here, I got a perfect score on the last assignment."

John handed over his report debating the use of vintage cheeses in bakery products. The girl skimmed the pages, then looked up in surprise. "Albeit a rather eccentric topic choice, I admit the structure of your writing is competent. I am also impressed that you managed to arrange an interview with Genevieve Anthony for a school assignment. She's head chef at the Ace of Trump, no?"

"She is. You could say I'm a frequent visitor."

That earned a chuckle from the girl and an extended hand. "Rose Lalonde. Are you suggesting you regularly consume $80 filet mignon?"

"John Egbert. What can I say? I like food."

Dave grabbed John by both shoulders and bodily turned the other toward him. "John. You have that much money to burn on food, and you haven't been buying me lunch? I am so broke, bro, so broke."

Dave was right in his face. John made himself look away. Not in front of Jade, Rose, and the instructor. (Was it Carter? No, Karin was closer.) "I'm really sorry! Is that why you don't eat? I don't mind mooching, but it will cost you your pride and possibly your soul."

"Worry not. I lost my pride many years ago to fuzzy, technicolor proboscii, and my soul is tainted. You'll beg for a refund within a week."

"I find it terrifying that you are completely serious."

Rose exchanged names with the others. "Have any of you chosen a topic for the project yet?"

Jade shrugged and looked at Dave who passed the metaphorical ball to John. "It has to be related to the environment at Lyrist… Did you guys know some of the scenes from _Orchid Horror_ were filmed here on campus? I bet I could arrange a skype interview with the dir-"

"NO," the other two chorused.

"Then we've got nothing."

"Wonderful," Rose said, "I already have a subject in mind, if you are willing: I'd like to write about the Literature Club on campus."

Dave deadpanned, "Wow. What an enthralling topic. In fact, I'd rather write about Book Club than fuck myself."

Karl?! muttered, "...but the _students_ can curse whenever they want…"

Rose glanced at their instructor before responding, "Last semester, the club was challenged by a large portion of the staff and student body for popularizing progressive material. Despite being a mere book club, they were able to successfully campaign against the masses and had a large number of staff members replaced for breaking the code of conduct. I thought it would make for an intriguing paper."

"Woah, hold on blondie. Lyrist's prof turnover this year is because of the lit. kids? You're joking. The new staff is at least 80% of the reason I'm here and not U of Houston. The other 20% being the nearby mountain."

"Oh? Interested after all, Strider?"

Jade countered, "I'll only agree if John and I can run some simulations and make projections based on alternate campaigning options."

"I'm not opposed, though that seems above and beyond the project requirements."

John laughed. "I'm not here for an A, dummy. I want to learn. I'm not going to get anything out of a journalism class unless I apply it."

"...students… bunch of insolent bulge suckers…" The instructor slammed the door on his way out.

"Whoops."

After exchanging a few more details about the project and contact information, Rose went on her way, a bit more spring in her step than before. Dave was rather upbeat himself when the remaining three arrived at the cafeteria. He ran straight past the dishes to the beverages. A bottle of apple juice in hand, he doubled back for an orange, a block of cheese, and plain granola. Then he stopped in front of John.

"...Were you joking about feeding me?" He looked so disappointed.

"Nah, I've got you, buddy." John noticed the tags on the items. "Wait, do you only eat organic food?"

Dave looked away. "Can't have anything else, but this shit is so expensive."

Dave stiffened when Jade gave him a hug. "Oh, Dave! You should've told us you couldn't afford to eat this whole time. That's so sad!"

John patted him on the head. Uguu, his hair was so soft. "Morals are kind of a dumb reason to starve yourself. Or do you have allergies?"

The boy shrugged sheepishly. "It's more of a religious thing."

John had to cover his mouth. "Are you actually Amish? That would be hilarious for so many reasons."

The pale boy laughed. "I would be so screwed if I followed Ammann. Not an ounce of humility in this perfect body. As far as I'm concerned, I am an angel incarnate. A very, very broke, unemployed angel living on a meager budget from my asshole of a brother."

Jade elbowed him. "An angel that's scared of the sun. You're more of a vampire!"

Dave stiffened visibly at the suggestion before responding. "Oh, very funny. Make fun of my religion and my pigment disorder in one sentence. Harshing the Strider swag. You are the queen of sensitivity, Jade." Despite his indignance, Dave was still enthused about his meal, this time swallowing every bite.

_.._. ._.._

.^"-.._ '-(\\_/)-' _..-"^.  
'-.' oo '.-'

The next day, Rose seated herself in the front alongside the other three. Within a week, she joined them at lunch, easily melding with their dynamic. She kept pace with Jade's temperament and contributed to Dave's lunch budget. On occasion, the four of them got together for a study session or movies. John especially appreciated her assistance with Calculus. Though Jade also jumped straight to Calc 3 as a freshman, the eclectic girl wasn't always the best at communicating ideas. On the opposite end of the scale, Rose displayed unparalleled eloquence, if one could get over her wordiness.

John and Rose were hunkered down in the library at a table by the window, a small army of empty coffee cups scattered between them. Caffeine equated to better exam grades in John's opinion.

He just finished explaining one of the rare problems he understood better than the girl. "Is that clear?"

"Much so, thank you. I do have one question for you, though. Is there any particular reason you defined S-sub i and S-sub r for the set of all integers and rationals, respectively?"

John laughed. "Pff, that is the dumbest question you have ever asked me. They're just variables. You can use whatever you want."

Rose looked at him curiously. "Dearest John, I am clearly familiar with the use of variables, as I marginally passed sixth grade mathematics. My curiosity lies in why you chose not to use Z and Q. Though I'm hardly one to adhere to societal standards myself, using the correct notation on assignments equates to better scores."

"There isn't correct notation. They're _variables."_

"More correct, not really. The standard since 1930, absolutely."

John facepalmed. "Right, right. Those." He erased the tiny 'i' and 'r' and replaced them with a subscript 'z' and 'q' on his homework.

Rose's laugh was always perfectly controlled albeit genuine. "You haven't the slightest inclination what I'm referring to. A blackboard Z and Q? I can explain if you'd prefer not to flounder. There's hardly any need to cover for your shortcomings or act more knowledgeable than you are."

"Shh, just let me pretend I'm not dumb."

"I would hardly refer to you as dumb."

"Of course not, dearest Rose. You would say I'm 'a tad less rotund in the frontal lobe' or something else silly."

"You caught me there."

John enjoyed bantering with Rose as much as grappling with Jade and dancing around Dave. It surprised him how much he admired them. College was downright dreamy until the day they were scheduled to meet with the Lit Club admins.

The quartet gathered in the student center lounge on October Sixth and made their way to the office reserved for the Literature meetings. The door was peppered garishly with photos of cats. Rose took the lead and knocked.

They were met with a sing song voice. "Come in!"

The room was well organized and brightly decorated. There were three students seated in a circle with three chairs remaining. In the center was a cheery girl wearing an excess of shiny bangles. To her left, a boy slouched over an old Gameboy, squinting through cheap 3D glasses. Several cables poked out the back of the console's casing. Glaring at him was another boy to the right. His hair was meticulously styled and dyed purple, and his clothing was visibly expensive.

John and Jade immediately wrestled each other to the nearest available seat. After a couple moments scrabbling for purchase, John thought he had her in a choke hold. Then, Jade clawed at him to free herself and twisted his hand out to pin him by his wrist.

"I give. I give!" John plopped on the floor and leaned against Jade. He didn't even consider going for the other two. Rose was terrifying and Dave was gorgeous.

The cheery girl stood. "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realize there would be four of you. Here, please take my seat."

John waved her off. "Oh, don't worry about it! Perfectly comfy right here, scout's honor." Jade kicked him.

"If you insist. I'm Feferi Peixes, by the way. Vice President of the club. Nice to meet you all!"

Rose answered, "Hello, Feferi. I'm Rose. The snowflake is Dave, and the WWE act consists of John and Jade." She ignored their protests. "Thank you for allowing us to interview you."

"Of course! It's exciting to hear someone taking a positive interest in our activities for once. We have an hour set aside; I hope that's enough time. We can start wherever you like!"

"Thank you. We compiled a list of specific points to cover, though we'd like to start with your point of view of the story, if you don't mind. The information we have as of now is relatively limited."

Feferi clapped her hands together, excited. "From the beginning?"

Dave nodded, "If it's relevant."

"It wouldn't be the beginning otherwise, silly. Everything started last fall when one of our members, Aradia Megido, nominated the nonfiction work ColoUrs and Mayhem for club reading. All of the admins were very excited about the choice-"

The boy to the right cleared his throat loudly.

Feferi was perfectly chilly when she addressed him. "Do you need something, Eridan?"

"You neglected to introduce us." His cadence was heavy and suspiciously similar to the Elder Scroll's voice actors.

"Sorry about that! I figured you'd cut in _like usual._ This is Eridan Ampora, our secretary." Feferi then waved to her left. "And this is our treasurer, Sollux Captor."

"What Fef?" Sollux looked up from his game. "Oh, when did you get here?"

The four of them exchanged a look and gave their names again.

" 'Thup. I'm Thollukth. Thahak ith the preth, but he wath buthy today. Doethn't matter though. I'm actually in charge." Oh lord. John hoped Feferi would be answering their questions. Not that he thought any less of Sollux for the speech impediment and Eridan for the faked accent. It was just… okay, he totally did. Try not to vocalize the shallowness, he prompted himself. It was only an hour.

Jade asked, "You make the calls then, Sollux?"

"Nah. That'th what FF ith for. If we need to get any actual work done… that'th where I thtep in."

"And what did you think of the book ColoUrs and Mayhem when it was nominated?"

Sollux shrugged. "Interethting read for thure. I wath adopted by white parentth, tho itth pretty relevant to me. Cognitive dithonanthe from people in rethponthe to rathial dythphoria. I've been there."

John wasn't quite following. Hopefully, Rose was taking good notes.

Sollux nodded to Dave. "You can probably empathithe."

"I can." Dave cocked an eyebrow. "That's why you're in charge? You have an astute eye."

"Pretty much. No one elthe thpotth it, I athume?"

"Nope."

Rose looked between them. "Pardon?"

"The thape of hith fathe. He'th tho fucking white, I didn't notithe at firtht, but-"

Dave finished, "Never met her, but my mom is Japanese."

"Oh! Yet you're always called-"

" _I know,_ Egbert. Now, my bro- that'd be an apt description for him. Watched too much anime, decided he's a fucking ninja, moved to Japan."

"Uh, wouldn't your brother also be-"

"Sorry, I meant my dad."

"...What?"

Rose turned a questioning eye on Dave. "Pardon my failure to make that observation. Despite the relevance to our research paper, you chosen not to mention this because…?"

"Oh, fuck no, Lalonde. We are not psychoanalysing me for the paper."

"It could be such a delightful experience, Strider. The imagery you create with your colorful language is nothing short of impressive."

Eridan grew impatient with them. " _So._ Wwe chose ColoUrs and Mayhem for club reading last fall. Our discussions wwere wwell received in the club, but wwe started attracting new members that showwed up just to argue wwith us."

"Thank you for getting us on task, Eridan," Rose said. "Were the new members affiliated with any other organizations?"

"Wwe didn't realize at first, but at least one of them wwas wwith the Lyrist student newspaper. Others wwere from the Students Wwithout Borders org."

Feferi said, "They meant well! They really do a lot of good things on campus, but they disagree with the author of the book. Very loudly."

"Do you agree?"

Feferi waved her arms around, bangles jingling. "We're a book club! As a whole, our porpoise isn't to agree or disagree. We analyze." ...Was that a pun?

"And what do you personally think?" Dave insisted.

"Calliope is a great author, and her writing is very insightful, but sometimes she can be a bit ideal."

Eridan contradicted her, "Ms. English knowws her stuff. Her wworks are masterpieces. I wwould never say she's an idealist, not with howw well she addresses multiple sides of a story."

"You wouldn't recognize idealism, would you?" Feferi seemed a bit ruffled, her cheery demeanor cracking.

"I still don't see any problem wwith joining you when you vvisit Sol. You're supposed to be my best friend. Of course wwe spend time together."

Feferi crossed her arms. "You can't just crash a date whenever you feel like it. That's rude and- and clingy! And it makes us uncomfortable, right Sollux?"

Captor waved a hand dismissively without looking up. "Nah, ED is cool. We were just talking while I rigged my Gameboy anyways."

Feferi groaned. "Well that's not the point anyways. Sometimes, I just need space, okay?"

Jade hissed to John, "Do something!"

"Uh, do you guys need a minute to talk? We can wait outside or something," John said.

"Oh, no worries! Everything is just fine," Feferi insisted.

"Wwell, I wwould like to talk."

John hastily stood and pulled Jade with him. "Of course! Just tell us when you are ready." He waved frantically at his other teammates to join him.

Last to the hallway, Rose shut the door behind them. "Are you sure that was wise? We may be able to facilitate their discussion."

John disagreed, "Oh gosh, no. Maybe _you'd_ have some advice for them, but I've never had a girlfriend before. Do you realize how lame that is? I'm old!"

"I am sure you'll have some success in love endeavors eventually. We are only freshmen, after all."

"We? You've never had a boyfriend either?"

Rose shrugged. "I've never had the time or patience to look for someone suitable, though I would prefer a girlfriend myself." She waggled her brows at Jade, earning a round of laughs.

The merriment was cut off by shouts. "Howw dare you?!"

"How dare me? Me?! You're the worst! I hate you!"

They went eerily quiet for a moment, then a loud boom shook the hall and resonated in John's very bones.

"FF!"

Rose threw the door open and ran in. The other three were right on her heel. Feferi was crumpled on the ground, face frozen in horror. A large hole ran through her gut. The skin was charred. Sollux knelt next to her, shaking her shoulder. Eridan stood over them, pointing what looked an awful lot like a magic wand emitting smoke. All three of them were drenched in blood spray.

Without hesitating, Rose jabbed Eridan in the solar plexus and wrested the wand from him. Jade pulled Sollux away from the body and wrapped him in a hug, carefully covering his eyes. John took Sollux's place next to Feferi and listened for a pulse. Hearing nothing, he stuffed his jacket in her wound in a futile attempt to stifle some of the bleeding. Dave knelt on the other side and applied pressure to the jacket. He closed his eyes, removed his glasses, and whispered something to Feferi. John couldn't hear it; his ears stung.

John pressed down on her chest once, twice, thirtieth in quick succession. During the chest compressions, he bit his tongue in his desperation. He tilted Feferi's head back, pinched her nose, and breathed into her. His tongue bled profusely; some of it spilled into her mouth. Another thirty chest compressions. Two more deep breaths.

Rose pinned Eridan to the floor. Jade was on the phone with the police, frantically trying to explain the situation without letting go of Sollux. Thirty and two. Dave kept whispering, lids shut tight and hands firm on the wound, trying to stop the bloodflow. John realized it was a prayer. He regretted a little that he couldn't echo Dave's words and kept at the CPR. 30, 2.

When the EMT's arrived, Jade and Rose had to pull John and Dave from Feferi, both of them still desperate to revive her. They huddled together in silence. John was surprised by the comfort their solidarity provided just by proximity. In all his years, he'd never experienced anything like it. They must be friends after all. The best of friends.

Finding his voice, John cursed, "Damn it! Why didn't it take?"

Jade rubbed his back. "You tried. It's okay."

Having handed Eridan over to the police, Rose engaged Dave in a very similar conversation. "I'm confident either of us would've done more if we could."

"I know." Dave finally opened his eyes. John's breath caught all over again. The boy's eyes were a vivid scarlet, alight with the color like an apple skin. It wasn't just a reflection of the vessels at the back of his eyeballs. His irises _were_ sanguine.

John watched, utterly fixated, as the other boy made eye contact with him. Then, Dave's eyes slid down and traced the blood on John's chin and hands. The pale boy started to drool.

_.._. ._.._

.^"-.._ '-(\\_/)-' _..-"^.  
'-.' oo '.-'  
`-..-'

The following afternoon, the quartet met outside their Journalism instructor's office. They were all still shell shocked. Solemn, John told them, "I sort of volunteer at the hospital. They took her straight to the coroner."

Rose shot Dave a weird look, then bowed her head. "I suspected as much."

Dave took the news a little more poorly. "Shit! I should've fixed her or prevented the attack in the first place."

John watched as Jade pulled the other two into a group hug. Rose deliberately leaned against Dave, again wearing a strange expression.

"Shh, shh. It was a really freaky murder, and it's all on that Ampora duchehair fuckface, okay?"

" _What_ did you just say?" Oh, there's the instructor now. Evidently, he was not in his office.

Jade shrunk in on herself a bit and let go of her friends. "...duchehair fuckface?"

"Like water to my parched hear ducts."

"Sorry?" Jade was dazed.

The instructor explained while struggling with his lock. "I may have had a problem with offensive language when I started teaching last year. After a few of my more derisive slips in class were reported, I received a rather threatening missive from the board in my department. I was forced to cut the habit cold thankfulbird. It's been too many months since I've heard as colorful a curse as that. Most of the students-" The instructor looked pointedly at Dave. "-crudely fire f-bombs at will."

His name was… McKartney? No, that was completely wrong. John really should've asked one of the others before now. Or paid attention during introductions the first day.

"These days, I'm in the habit of inventing my own expletives, as you've noticed if you listen to a word I say in class. I realize I come off as the slime coating the inside of my gallsphincter because of it, but I don't see any real reason to keep up a persona cleaner than my actual character." After kicking it once, the instructor finally got his door open. "Come in. Sit down. Or not. I only have two chairs." He opted to lounge on top of his desk and rolled his own chair over to them with a foot.

Though a common gesture, John couldn't help but think of Feferi as he took it. Even in the short time he knew her, the girl was clearly an innocent person. Her wound was awful, but _why didn't John's attempt to revive her take?_ It wasn't fair.

Jade took the other spot and Rose lounged on her armrest, saying, "Professor Vantas, sir. We need an extension on the project."

The instructor nodded. "Karkat is fine, if not Mr. Vantas. I'm still a grad student; I haven't earned prof status."

"Karkat!" Everyone looked at John. Hastily, he explained, "I thought people were calling you Carrot. I didn't realize that was actually your name."

Karkat rubbed his face and mumbled, "...Don't react, Vantas… Don't react." After a moment to collect himself, he turned to Rose. "An extension. That's fair, given the situation. I'm very sorry to hear about what happened. I can't even imagine how I'd cope if I witnessed it, though there'd likely be a few nights of heavy soporifics involved. Where any of you close to Feferi?"

"Only knew her for fifteen minutes." Judging from his cadence, Dave regretted the loss nonetheless.

"A shame. She was the type to befriend everyone unless crossed. Admittedly, I was rooting for her when she booted my coworkers right in the bulge. Not that I have much knowledge about the whole ColoUrs and Mayhem incident."

Rose nodded. "Perhaps in another life, she is willing to endure my disarming personality, and we'd be the best of chums."

"Do you know how much of an extension you will need?"

"We got started pretty early, and we still have some time left." Jade squinted as she made an estimate. "One week? Two if you want a project of the quality we were hoping to give."

"Why so long?" Karkat questioned.

John answered, "We didn't finish our interview, and now we don't have enough information to couple with our thesis. We thought it would be a little rude to bother the other Lit. Club members right now, especially after everything, so we're going to start over with a brand-new topic."

Karkat laid down on his desk and stuck a foot on top of his computer tower. Sure. It was his office, John supposed. The instructor asked, "Is the research you've done specific to the Literature students, or does it apply in general?"

"Much of our work so far is geared toward a small organization running a successful campaign against both numerical odds and unpopular reasoning at both the rhetorical level and the psychological level. We also compiled historical examples for comparison," Rose summed.

Karkat blinked at her and sat back up. "You're joking. 90% of the class is going to report on their favorite class, one of the collegiate sporting events, or some other bugwinged bile threaded with unscholarly sentiment that should've been left in the dross coffer."

John started laughing. "Pfff. Bugwinged bile. Why would anyone report you? You're hilarious."

"At least someone appreciates the value of wordplay. Are the four of you still interested in the topic itself, or would you prefer to avoid it after everything?"

"It's interesting enough," Dave admitted.

Rose added, "As I said, we've only dropped the topic out of respect for the other Literature Club members."

"I'd hate to make you all start over. It'd eschew some of the requirements, and segueing into the second part of the project will be a little difficult, but you are welcome to keep the thesis and make it theoretical if you can't work with it to apply to another student org."

"Pardon, I'm not aware of any other organizations that fit the description, sir."

Karkat smirked at her. "There might be one that _better_ fits the description."

"Oh? Do tell."

"CAFC took a case all the way to the State two years ago. I daresay their platform contradicted popular opinion in both common rhetoric and psychology."

Rose's smile was a bit unsettling. "That's quite a claim."

"The club convinced the U.S. court system to recognize the rights of people that don't exist."

_.._. ._.._

.^"-.._ '-(\\_/)-' _..-"^.  
'-.' oo '.-'  
`-..-'

" ` "

John glanced up at his Calculus 3 professor on occasion, though most of his attention was on a doodle in his song book and his thoughts. Sometimes, he jotted down actual notes. For the most part, crudely drawn ghosts darted between staffs. His thoughts wandered. There was no way Karkat was referring to the same case John was familiar with...

A knock on the door got his attention. The professor ignored it at first. When the knock became more insistent, she pointed at the closest students, "Mind getting that quick?"

A boy wearing a stip of fabric just barely passing for shorts stood. After opening the door, he called, "Hey, Professor? This might be important."

Two police officers pushed past the boy and approached the front of the room. "Good morning, sir, ma'am. Can I help you with something?" the professor asked.

They exchanged a few hushed words. The professor nodded to them, face dark, and walked over to the students. She stopped in front of John. "Mr. Egbert, would you mind joining them in the hall for a little bit?"

John set aside his songbook and started toward the aisle. "Of course."

"Mr. Egbert, please bring your things with you."

Frowning, John gathered everything and slung his backpack over his shoulder. Outside the lecture hall, John offered the two a handshake. "Good morning, officers. I presume you are aware I am John Egbert? Thank you for coming all the way out here. If you needed another statement about Feferi, you were welcome to call. I'd have been completely willing to drop by the station. I'm not too busy."

The woman grimaced at him. "Mr. Egbert, we're going to need a little more than a statement. You're currently under suspicion for homicide and accessory to homicide."

"Oh." John's hand dropped. "This is about Feferi, right? Am I being arrested? I've never been arrested before. Should I give you my ID or-"

"Calm down, son. If you didn't do anything, you have nothing to worry about. We just need you to come with us for now."

John was quiet the whole way to the station. He focused on not forgetting to breathe. Since he cooperated through the police statements and his escort, he wasn't cuffed, though his jacket and backpack were taken. He rubbed his hands together so they wouldn't get cold. It was a bit of a futile effort.

He sat around for an hour waiting for the family company to send a criminal defense attorney. Then came the questions. By the fifth time he was asked what killed Feferi, he was tempted to cry. Once again, he gave the same answer. "I didn't see the actual murder. The wound was weird, like a concentrated blast from a shaped incendiary. Eridan would've had seconds to set up an explosive _on her chest_ without Sollux or Feferi resisting. No one was restrained when we came in. All he was holding that I saw was some kind of magic wand prop. I was _trying to save her life,_ so I wasn't looking too closely, but I didn't see any shrapnel or anything. I honestly don't know how he did it. Unless he actually magicked her dead."

This interrogator gave a different response than the other two. "That's what the coroner said. Until we find the leftovers from the incendiaries, we have to hold you a bit longer. One of you five took them home, and you saw who. You said yourself you were there the entire time from the explosion to the arrival of first responders."

"...Oh man, I have to stay longer? Like the full three days?"

"If nothing else turns up and none of you admit to anything, that may be necessary."

John made sure to tone back his reaction. Three days was Bad. "Oh, okay. Please let me know if there's any other way I can help."

"Of course. Thank you for your cooperation."


	2. Chapter 2

Fifty six hours in police custody, another sixteen from his last dose, and John wasn't sure if he'd make it to seventy two. He refused to look anyone in the eye, including his own attorney, and snapped when anyone spoke to him. He knew he was supposed to be polite to the police, especially since they were trying to get justice for Feferi. It was hard to remember when he was focused on stilling his hands, and they asked him the same questions _again._

He was back with the first interrogator. "John, you keep telling me you didn't see Feferi's murder, but we have your friends in custody. They said you were in the room at the time. We need to know what happened, alright? Where did the murder weapon go?"

John tapped out a tune on the table. "Don't lie. You get louder when you lie. I can hear it. It's _so distracting, I can't take it anymore."_

"I'm not lying, John."

"Fuck off! I can _hear it,_ officer. Please. Just go away so I can't hear you anymore. Send in your lover. She's not as loud. I'll beg if I have to."

"We- we are coworkers. You were very polite two days ago, John. Are you worried about the things your friends told us?"

"You smell like her, officer, _and I can't take it."_ Without warning, his body jerked in a dry retch. The officer handed him a trash can. Three dry heaves later, John relieved himself of his breakfast. Given a glass of water, his body rejected that too. He was no longer able to still his shaking hands and scratched at the table. Fuck, he was out of time.

The lover joined the first interrogator. _No,_ John didn't want both of them so close. "John, are you suffering from withdrawal? Do you have some kind of addiction?"

He nodded and hissed with his remaining breath, "Benzodiazepine." He refused to answer anything else they said, legal or not.

John was sent back to rest. He could only growl at anyone that approached him and hope the police would give him tranqs. After an hour of near constant dry heaves, an officer- not one of his interrogators- asked if he needed medical attention. He could only nod.

The trip to the hospital was short. He was led in cuffed, his vitals were checked and checked again when the machine broke, then he was given a shot. Of Midazolam instead of a slow acting tranquilizer. Fuck. John weighed his options during the drive back, but he lost his train of thought when the medicine started to kick in.

Instead of his previous room, John was led to the same holding cell as Dave and two other men. "Daaaave. Have I ever told you how pretty you are?"

"Are you on drugs, Egbert?"

"Hehe, maaaaybe. I got a big shot from the nice doctor policeman, but it wasn't the one I wanted. What do I do now, Dave?" John swayed on his feet.

"You need to lay down. That's what you do. Now." When John just stared, Dave bodily led him to a bunk.

"You smell super, super good right now. Not fair."

"Fuck, you're cold. Yo, Barney!" Dave called over his shoulder. "My friend is the same temp as the room after he cracks a joke. We need more blankets or he is going to freeze to death. No joke." John was too loopy to notice Dave's agitation. His friend was off key and downright ravenous.

"Heeee, good one, Dave." He passed out.

In spite of the amenities, John woke up feeling quite refreshed. He yawned and stretched. His head was a bit fuzzy, and his ears prickled. After a moment groping around for memories, he recalled going to the hospital. Everything afterward was a blank, but his body seemed to be in order. Apparently, the Midazolam did the trick after all.

John noticed a few pale fingers hanging down from the bunk above him. "Dave? Is that you?" No answer. He hit the bunk.

Dave groaned. "Wha time ss it?"

"You tell me, man. You're the one wearing a watch."

The bunk groaned as Dave shifted. His hand disappeared. "8 AM. It's so fucking late. I'm usually up at five. I feel awful, Egbert, like a Tampa swamp in here. Muggy, insects buzzing in my head, and my legs have turned to mush. I want to get up and just _run,_ but we're stuck in this stupid cell, and I don't have my other clothes. At least I'm not hungry anymore."

John rubbed his head. "How could you possibly drag your butt out of bed at five in the morning? Why? That is unholy."

"To run. Early morning marathon."

"Every day?"

"Every day."

"You're insane, Dave."

"I know."

"...Not really, though. I still can't believe they think we killed someone! It's so stupid," John commented. "Rose is pretty scary, but you and Jade are teddy bears. Who'd even believe you're murderers?"

Dave hesitated for a moment. "Yep. Jade and I are soft as the cotton stuffed in a bear, the lifeblood of your childhood friend, willfully given. And the lifeblood of cotton slaves, forcefully taken."

"Wow, that was so unconvincing. It's no wonder they haven't let us out yet if you sound like that when you talk to the police."

"Shut up. I get nervous when-" Dave cut himself off.

John peaked over the top bunk at Dave. "When what?"

"...I suck at lying, okay?"

"Are you saying you've actually killed someone?"

"...No."

"Oh shit, Dave, why? Why did you do it?"

"Shut up, Egbert."

"What was their name? You didn't even know, did you? That's so cruel, man."

Dave hit him with a sock. John danced away, still taunting him. He wasn't paying attention and bumped into the other set of beds. "Oh, sorry, buddy!" John got a better look at the guy laying on the lower bunk. "Hey. Hey, buddy? Are you okay?"

John was hit with another wave of nausea when he realized it and took an involuntary step back. "I don't think he's breathing."

"Quit screwing with me."

"He's not breathing!" Realizing John was serious, the pale boy jumped down and hurried over. His face was dark, and he didn't say anything. They stood in silence as a medic rushed in.

The clock neared 10 on the fourth morning, and John was perfectly ready to leave when his attorney informed him that his little trip to the hospital cost him another 24 hours. The interrogators had to release their other suspects, so John had all their attention.

Though disturbed by the body found in the cell, overall, he felt better. He was back to cordial patience, answering the same questions and politely ignoring any false tales thrown at him.

Finally, fresh air and freedom. John gave a big whoop and a little skip as he stepped out of the station. His attorney escorted him to the property clerk's office to trade a voucher for his cell phone. Back at his apartment, the first thing he did was plug in the device and throw in Pokémon 4ever. Turning the volume up, he left the bathroom door open and hopped in the shower.

The movie was half over by the time he emerged. He was reluctant to pick up his cell when he plopped down on the couch. Sighing, he turned it on. Over a hundred new messages. The majority were from Crockercorps, but nearly a quarter were from his three new friends alone.

John tapped the photo of Jade's rabid samoyed Beq taken by her grandfather. He had yet to see the dog himself. It was kept locked up when Jade hosted for movies. However, she was very adamant that if any of them encountered it and she wasn't around, turn tail and run. No exceptions, regardless of the emergency. Dave asked why she didn't take the hellbeast out back and shoot it. She just shook her head sadly.

Jade picked up the phone on the first ring. "Oh my gosh, John! Where have you been?"

"I was arrested. They said you guys were too? I saw Dave."

"Yeah. They let all five of us out at the same time. I totally panicked when I didn't see you! I'm so sorry you were the only one charged. It's not fair!"

"I wasn't charged. I got sick and had to go to the hospital, so they kept me longer. That's all."

"Oh gosh, is that what happened? Are you alright? Dave said you were super loopy when he ran into you. And you were on drugs?"

"I'm fine. Just withdrawal."

"Withdrawal. John. Didn't your father ever tell you drugs are bad?"

"...Opposite of that. Smoking was part of his image."

"That's dumb. John, you need to take care of yourself."

"I do!"

"If you had to go to the hospital because of drugs, you aren't doing good enough, mister."

"I would've been fine if it were just one day."

"Am I going to have to come over there and dig up your stash? I'll recruit Rose. Or one of our new lit. club buddies."

"Quit worrying. Wait. Did you say all five of you before? Jade, Rose, Dave, Sollux," John counted off. "They let Eridan out, too? That motherfu-"

Jade contradicted him. "Eridan stood up for us- defended his friend Sollux. Fessed up. Told them it was all him. It backfired, and they assumed he was covering for us."

"No way."

"Rose is crazy good at reverse interrogation and figured it out. Since Eridan insisted he killed Feferi with magic and they didn't have a murder weapon or any probable cause of death, they couldn't qualify it as an admission of guilt. As far as the police are concerned, we all are either really terrible at lying or Feferi spontaneously combusted. There's nothing to charge any of us with."

"I take back any previous doubts. Between Rose and Dave, I'd suspect us, too."

"If you think Dave is bad, you should meet his brother!"

"Oh man, I missed the older Strider? Did he come to pick up Dave?"

"Yes, literally. He showed with nothing but a loincloth, straw sandals, and a sword, flirted with my _grandpa,_ threatened to sue the police, made fun of Rose's mom for being drunk before 10 AM, and fireman-carried Dave all the way back to his apartment. That's like twelve miles."

"Wow."

"It was so embarrassing!" Jade whined.

"For Dave. I would've laughed my butt off."

"For _me._ My grandpa wrote his number on Strider's abs."

"Oh my g-" John cut off laughing. "This isn't real life. I'm so upset I missed it."

"Ugh, I doubt he plans on telling Strider how old he is. Should I say something?"

John weighed his words carefully. "That… depends on how young he looks."

"Not a day past thirty, the lucky duck."

"Then if he has some kind of… problem. I don't think that's a great idea to point it out."

Jade dropped her voice, suddenly serious. "What kind of problem do you mean?"

Forgetting he was using a phone, John shrugged. "I don't actually know. Just that you kick my butt when we wrestle and are 'inhumanly' strong."

"...I think I have to go." Jade hung up on him without waiting for a valediction. He tried to contact her again, but she denied the call.

John facepalmed. That could've gone better. At least Jade knew he wasn't rotting in jail. Maybe he should just meet Rose and Dave in person. Two more phone calls ending like that, and he might just give up on people for another few years.

He shot them a message. _meet me at nannaquin's? don't really feel like texting._ He received two confirmations before he could lock his phone. John was the first to the café, but he only had enough time to answer a couple of his emails before Dave ran in. It wasn't precisely a lie if he told his associates he was indisposed in the hospital and couldn't get back to them.

"Egbert!" Dave clapped his shoulder in greeting.

"Hey, man."

Suddenly hit by another wave of nausea, John examined the grain of the table under his coffee mug. Dave was right by his side for both Feferi and the incident in the cell. What if the pale boy was one of the victims? Not to mention Jade and Rose could be at risk in the future, especially if Eridan held any kind of anger toward them over what happened. John was reasonably sure Rose snapped his wand in half, but that wouldn't stop a real sociopath. Especially if it wasn't the actual murder weapon.

Dave let him brood while ordering a hot chocolate. Nannaquin's was a favorite haunt of theirs since Dave could consume most of the non caffeinated items on the menu. Cocoa in hand, the other boy returned to their booth in the corner, farthest from the window. "Quite the long face. Fill me in."

John explained the same thing he did to Jade. No point in waiting for Rose since she'd pick up all the necessary context and then some within thirty seconds of looking at him. "...oh, and then I talked to Jade, and I think I freaked her out! I don't know what to do."

"Unless she's feeling useless, that girl is unperturbed. The fuck did you do?"

"I just mentioned something I'm not supposed to know?"

"That was stupid. Planning on filling me in?"

"I don't even know what it is, though. Just that it's a touchy subject for her."

Dave took a sip of cocoa. "So don't bring it up, dipshit."

"But sometimes I think she needs advice, some support, or even just a hug!"

"You think everyone needs a hug."

"Hhk- Do not. I know for a fact that I haven't given a single person a hug since I met you three."

"But you want to. You're counting how long it's been since you've given someone a hug. Who does that?"

John finally looked up from his coffee. No longer on tranqs or occupied by a dead body, he finally noticed how disheveled Dave was. Bruise-like coloring peaked out from underneath his shades, marring his snowy face. "Hey, are you okay?"

"No."

"...and?"

"Tried not to eat the whole time I was locked up."

"Dave! Do we need to have the same conversation I had with Jade? You have to take care of yourself, and I will gather up the crowd and storm your apartment if you don't."

"It was only three days, and the jail's options weren't to my needs. I'm already weak enough after missing the morning routine. Breaking my vows on top of that… I'm not okay, Egbert."

"I don't really get it, but let me know if you need anything. Seriously, anything. You'd rather ask me than have Rose and Jade lay siege to your home."

"The joke is on you. Nothing to lay siege on. Just got an eviction notice from my landlord. Tenants with murder accusations aren't the most popular."

"He can't do that! None of us were charged let alone convicted."

"I know. Now, my Bro is suing the station for breaking the First Amendment and my former landlord for violating our lease. Bit of a clusterfuck."

John gasped, both hands over his mouth. "Oh my gosh, are you homeless now?"

"Yeah. Actually, if I could store my turntables at your place for a few days-"

"Absolutely! Stay as long as you want."

"I wasn't asking-"

"Where are you planning on living then?"

"Buy a tent. Hobo it up on the mountain. Live even more simply to make up for everything at the station."

"None of that was your fault, though! Stay with me." John leaned forward and grinned to make it obvious how exciting the idea was.

"Oh no. Do not give me the puppy dog eyes. That is my kryptonite, you heinous villain."

John added, "I will stock the fridge. If you watch movies with me!"

"You drive a hard bargain. If it's a choice between Nic Cage and starving, I may starve."

"If that's a yes, I'll take it."

"Shit, it was. Can I take it back?"

"Nope!"

Dave shook his head, and his lip turned up slightly. "You move fast, Egbert. You only made your intentions clear two days ago."

It took a moment for it to click for John. "Oh nooo. Did I say something embarrassing while I was tranq'd?"

"Nothing I wouldn't like to hear when you're aware of what you're saying."

"Oh." John blushed and his thoughts flew out the skylight. "Umm. Oh, right! Some important ground rules. Even if we get in a fight over something, don't even think twice about it. You can still stay. Unless I'm _very_ angry; then it's better if you stay somewhere else and hope I don't show up for class."

Dave chuckled. "Do you even get angry? That one asshat threw an orange at you and called you a loser, and you just laughed. I was pissed _for_ you."

"But that was super funny! He was trying to impress a girl, and she just thought he was a jerk acting like a preschooler. Anyways. If I'm angry, drunk, high, tranq'd, or otherwise drugged for any reason, spend the night out. This is important."

"I'd be an awful roommate if I ollied out the minute you need someone to take care of your drunk ass."

" _No._ If you can't agree to this, you'll have to ask Jade or Rose to stay with them instead." He added, "As if any of us would let you be a hobo."

"I can probably make that work then. Roommates."

"Yay! If you have time, we can go get your things after this. I need an excuse to put off cleaning my email queue anyways."

"Sounds nice. My turntable setup is pretty heavy, though."

"I'll message Jade!" _SOS. dave homeless, needs help moving his stuff. we're at nannaquin's. sorry about earlier._

"Thanks." Dave twiddled with his mug. "You should know- I was really impressed with how you responded to what happened to Feferi. Trying to save her and all that. Even though things didn't look too hot for her. I'm not great at all of this, and I wasn't sure before, but I really like-"

"Strider."

Dave nearly fell out of his seat when Rose greeted him. She leaned toward him, and a twisted expression flitted across her face before she planted herself in the booth next to John.

"Hi Rose!" John greeted.

She returned his cordial smile. "Afternoon, John. I trust this fine Saturday is treating you fairly?"

"Can Saturdays be fair? Maybe Tuesdays are."

"You are welcome to personify the days of the week however you see fit. Personally, I was referencing your evident release."

Dave groaned. "Lalonde, you interrupted a moment."

"I'm aware. Wouldn't want you to overstep your bounds."

"What the actual fuck are you implying?"

"That you ought to be gentle with our good friend John. I would be very displeased if he were to come to any harm." The young woman's voice dropped to a harsh whisper, grating like sands against marble. "If anything happens to him, I haven't any choice but to kill you." She straightened and winked, cheer back in her eyes. "Best of luck in your pursuits otherwise."

Silence descended over them, colder than the tundra.

"...Rose?"

"Yes, John?"

"That was really creepy."

"As I intended it. How are you recovering from your little episode Dave mentioned?"

"I was fine after the Midazolam wore off. Was. Now, I'm thoroughly spooked."

"Whatever for? My antagonism was not directed your way."

John twiddled his thumbs, looking for a way to put it. "Murderous intent is just as spooky when directed at a friend from another friend. Thus, I am spooked."

Jade chose that moment to message back. _almost there_

 _still at nannaquin's?_

 _yup._

Dave picked up the gap in conversation. "You liked me enough a week ago, Lalonde. What gives?"

Rose's eyebrow shot up. "I still like you. You've become a dear friend to me, Mr. Strider. In a month, no less. However, so have Mr. Egbert and Ms. Harley."

"I feel the same on all accounts. _All_ of the feelings," Dave returned with a hiss, "and I appreciate that you're trying to protect him."

Rose grinned. "That's what I like to hear. Aggressive overtures add a nice spice to my tea."

"This is turning into Eridan and Feferi _really quickly,_ so please stop," John begged.

The bell over the door tinkled. Jade dashed in, panting. "Dave! I came as soon as I could. You're homeless now?! That's so sad!" Jade squeezed him.

"Can't breathe." Dave tapped her back rapidly. "Sup, Jade. No need to shed any glistening tears over me. John offered his humble abode to me for now."

Rose stood abruptly. "I need to fix my makeup. John, why don't you help me?"

"Wha-?" Rose dragged him by his arm to the ladies room. "Hey, I can't go in here."

"If this was the type of establishment to bar you from choosing your restroom, we wouldn't be here. Don't worry about it." When the door was shut behind them, Rose turned to John and grabbed both of his shoulders. He couldn't escape eye contact. "Tell me exactly what you said to him when you invited him over. This is very important."

A lick of fear curled around John's gut. "Stay with me. Stay as long as you want."

Rose bit her lip. "An open invitation, ignoring both location and time."

"What are you saying?"

"Dave is a vampire, and he can now follow you no matter where you are."

John took a step back. "That's preposterous! A vampire?"

"This is a very real danger that I need you to take seriously. We both saw how Dave reacted to blood. I was still holding out hope until the man was found in your cell. He died of acute heart failure resulting from hypotension. Blood loss, but no blood."

His stomach sunk. "How do you know that?"

"I watch the coronary records for signs of supernatural death. You can think of me as a private investigator. Here, this is a viable weapon for slaying the undead." Rose pulled a tube of green lipstick from her purse. "Twist it clockwise to apply, deasil to wield."

Rose demonstrated. The tube expanded into a chainsaw before John's eyes. He took another step back. "How did you do that?"

"I'm a magus. I used alchemy to bind one object to another."

John carefully took the lipstick and pocketed it. "When you say you're an investigator…"

"I hunt all things inhuman. If you run into a spot of trouble aside from the current one, please message me immediately. I'm very capable."

"Things like vampires? Even if Dave is actually something like that, he wouldn't hurt me. He's Dave!"

"You haven't known him all that long, John. Besides, vampires are extremely viscous and territorial. Once they claim prey, they don't let go. You've made yourself a target. It can't be undone. I'll have to kill him."

"No!"

"I know this is hard to hear, and I'm very sorry-"

"Prove he's a vampire first. I don't believe he killed the guy in the cell. I was drugged at the time, so I don't actually know what happened, but it couldn't have been Dave. I _know_ it."

"Letting a vampire live would be irresponsible of me. All the evidence suggests-"

"No, it doesn't! Maybe some of that other stuff is suspicious, but Dave isn't viscous or territorial. I really, really doubt he's what you're saying. If he is, he might be something else, like a strix."

That gave Rose pause. "Pardon? A strix?"

"It's an old legend. Striges feed off of blood, but they have feathers that spread love. They're related to owls and crows. Don't you think if Dave tries to be something like that, he deserves to live?"

Rose stared at him, perturbed. "No...?" She clutched her head. "A creature that spreads love."

 **NO. This child speaks lies.**

Rose's scent changed subtly. A wave of brine, rotting grapes, and something John couldn't comprehend rolled over him. "Rose? Are you okay?" He coughed into his sleeve.

 **Blasphemer. GIVE HIM TO US.**

Rose yelled, "How dare you suggest that!"

John flinched back from her. "I'm sorry. I just thought. Maybe. Maybe he's still an okay guy?"

The smell became weaker. Voice level again, Rose told him, "You're absolutely right, John. I wasn't thinking clearly. After that little stunt of mine, I doubt Strider will let me close enough to get proof. You'll have to do it. Is the risk something you're able to accept? It's very likely you'll be put under a spell day one."

"Of course! It's for Dave's sake. Besides, I can handle myself, especially now that I'm armed. What kind of proof are you looking for?"

Rose dug into her purse and pulled out a contact mirror. She offered it to John. "You just need to see if he has a reflection."

John burst out laughing and tapped the bathroom mirrors. His reflection tapped him back. "Rose! There's no way that's not a myth. What kind of superpower would passively bend light?"

"This is a rare artifact I'm trusting you with. It doesn't reflect light. It reflects souls. A fair warning, it can be rather disturbing to look at the true form of your own soul. I recommend against it."

John took the compact reverently. "Wow. If it's that rare, do you have any more of these?"

"No. I'd appreciate it if you don't break it."

It was with a sick feeling in his gut and knees of gelatin that John rejoined Dave and Jade. They all carefully avoided exposing the tension to the other girl. Likewise, Jade didn't bring up John's earlier comment.

After coffee, they headed over to Dave's apartment. Dave assumed all four of them would carry the turntable set, then come back for the meager remainder of his belongings. However, John and Jade had no trouble with it between them, and Rose likewise juggled the three smaller boxes easily. That left Dave with one long, heavy box, and the whole ordeal only took a single trip.

Before deigning to leave, Rose instructed John, "Find an opportunity to check his reflection _tonight._ If I don't receive a text by midnight, I'm coming back." Around 8 PM, the girls finally excused themselves.

"Hey, Dave, do you want anything to drink?"

"No, thank you."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Okay, what do you want?"

"Nothing alcoholic. Water is fine."

"Cool, I'm making strawberry banana smoothies!"

John skipped over to his kitchen to cut fruit. The apartment only had one bedroom, but the living room was large enough to easily accommodate the turntables and his piano, and his sofa was more comfortable than his bed. Dave made sure to tell him as much at least four times.

"Thanks again for everything, bro."

"No problem! I'm not supposed to sublease, but who cares? It'll be fun while you're here." The conversation paused while the blender was on. Then, John grabbed a pair of cups.

"So why the fuck do you have four ovens in there?"

"I like to bake!"

"That's a _lot_ of baking. Whatever. If I'm eating it, I can't complain."

John poured the smoothies and emerged from the kitchen. "Hey, sorry about everything Rose said."

"It's not your fault."

"...She explained in the bathroom. She actually thinks you're a vampire! She's crazy."

Dave frowned, thoughtful. "I don't think she is, though. Some things you aren't expecting might be real, John."

John proffered a smoothie. "Sure. But you're not one! _That's_ the crazy part."

"That's a light reaction to a world shattering revelation. Thanks for the vote of confidence? Also, this smoothie is ~#%^"

John ignored the word he didn't catch. "Of course. Would you want to be a vampire?"

Dave didn't hesitate. "In a heartbeat."

"Heh." John plopped down on the couch. "Movie time!"

"Already?"

"Please! I'll let you pick the movie."

"I can't argue with that." Dave grabbed a disk without even looking. He realized what it was when he popped it in. "Why on this sweet, sweet Earth do you own a copy of The Proposal?"

"We've been over this. The lead actor is…" John trailed off when Dave set his glasses on the end table and plopped down right next to the other.

"Yes?" Dave sipped at his smoothie.

Suffice to say, John was not paying attention to the opening credits. "You don't actually care, do you?"

"Not really, but you're cute when you get excited."

John grinned sheepishly. "...You might really like this movie. It's so funny."

"We'll judge on whether I puke halfway through."

"Rude!" John sighed and took out his phone. So many emails, so little time. And what the fuck did General Mills want this time?

Dave nudged him partway through the film. "Hey, you're going to miss the best part; Grandma's sick voodoo moves."

John set aside his phone. He got enough work done. "Have you seen this movie before?"

"I admit to nothing." Dave carefully leaned over and rested his head on John's shoulder. His eyelids fluttered half closed.

John didn't try to stop himself from staring. He was going to have dreams about blood red, crescent eyes ringed by frosty lashes. It made something in his gut twinge with longing and fear.

A few scenes later, John grabbed the remote and turned the volume down. "Dave?"

"Sup?"

"I was thinking about Feferi. Anyone else would've given her up as dead the moment they saw the wound, but you were right there next to me, trying to stop the bleeding."

"Can't just sit back and let someone die."

John explained, "I think so too. What really impressed me was the way you prayed to her. I don't know what you said, but you were so hopeful. You really believed it, and that's not something I could ever do."

"Sure you can, you dork. You kept up CPR for fifteen minutes. You must've had _some_ hope."

"Maybe." John stared up at the ceiling and thought about his gifts from Rose. He considered her threats and weighed the risks she illuminated. Deciding, he took the compact mirror and tube of lipstick from his pocket and set them on the end table. He gave them a little push, so they slid out of reach. His glasses and cell phone landed next to them. He rested a hand on his friend's shoulder.

Dave looked up at him, eyebrow quirked. "Getting comfortable?"

"Mhmm." John couldn't see the movie without his glasses. His eyes were on Dave anyways.

"Do you even realize how much you're tempting me right now, Egbert? Gonna get someone killed with those looks of yours."

"Pfff. I have a reputation as a temptress. That is why I get oranges thrown at me." John slid his other arm around Dave's front.

"Dude was blind. Nothing more to it. He oughta drop dead from the raw guilt of insulting the prettiest guy on campus."

"Do you even own a mirror?"

Dave chuckled. "A cliched rebuttal if I've ever heard one. The answer is no. I only have four boxes of shit, and it's virtually all essentials. Living the humble, material free, lifestyle, yo."

"Allow me to enlighten you, then." John gently pushed on Dave's shoulders. When the pale boy didn't resist, John lowered him to the couch and ran fingers across his scalp. "Your hair looks like buttercream. It's so pure and fluffy and soft."

"Oh?"

John rested his knees on either side of Dave's hips. He hooked his feet around the other boy's ankles. He guided Dave's hands so they were folded above that head of frosting-like hair and held onto Dave's wrists. "Your skin is beautiful, how it glows. In contrast, your lips look like fire to ice."

"Goofy nerd that you are during the day, I had no idea you were so charming at night, Egbert. Or so forward."

"I have a _little_ experience at this." John leaned closer and took a deep breath through his nose. "Mmm, my whole apartment is going to fill up with your scent. Like apple blossoms, sweat, feathers, mountain blooms, and ants. It's so wild; I've never experienced anything like it. Do you understand how much I've wanted you since day one? Even before I learned you're a great person. _You just smell so delicious."_

John pressed their lips together gently, as though the other were as fragile as a snowflake.

Dave shivered. He said into the kiss, "You have ice cream for lips."

"I've been this cold since I died."

With dawning horror, Dave gave an experimental tug on his wrists and ankles. They didn't move. His heart rate doubled, singing in John's ears. Dave was pinned. "Oh, fuck."

John bit him.


	3. Chapter 3

In which the already-haphazard pacing is broken up by an entirety of four phone calls in 6000 words, our male leads attempt to play the classic game of catch with a series of ultimata, and the female cast is again left with a sparing level of development.

John leaned forward, pressing all of his weight against Dave, and tightened his grip on the other's hands and ankles. He trailed his lips down Dave's neck to his shoulder. John kissed his collarbone and pricked flesh with a single fang. He avoided any major vessels and only teased out a couple drops. It was enough for the flavor to overwhelm him. Blood was always salty and savory, but Dave was also sweet and fresh, with a hint of bitterness and a kick like menthol. It was like drinking a springtime walk, the absolute height of ecstasy to the tastebuds.

John straightened and smiled down at his captive. He licked the blood off his teeth and purred. "Mmmm, thank you much." He bit his tongue and kissed Dave roughly, forcing the other's mouth open. Some of his own blood trickled down his captive's throat.

Dave writhed against him and tried to bite him, forcing John to pull back. "Fuck, let me go."

John layered his voice with a curse and looked his captive in the eye. " _Shh. It's okay. I won't hurt you. I'm really grateful. Just forget I bit you. We can do this again sometime."_

"Fuck off."

John blinked, shock seeping through the blood haze. "You're immune to mesmerization."

Dave's next words were incomprehensible to the vampire. They stung his ears and set his mouth, throat, and chest on fire. John hissed and scrambled back, right off the couch. He landed on the floor in a heap of flailing limbs. He rolled to his hands and knees and gagged himself. After throwing up the blood, the intensity of the flames inside him dropped. The pain was still enough to leave him curled up on his side, clutching his chest.

John froze. Something hard and sharp pressed against his throat, burning his skin despite being the same temperature as him.

"Give me one reason I shouldn't kill you."

John shrunk against the floor, stomach sinking. Fuck. Dave's eyes were hard and his mouth was set in a grim line. He expertly wielded a gleaming katana, poised to separate his assaulter's head from shoulders.

" _Rose."_ John's voice came out scratched, like a smoker of several decades.

That gave Dave pause. "She's another filthy bloodsucker."

"No," John wheezed. "But. She threatened you. If you kill me before convincing her- hhk- what I am. If I disappear tonight. She'll fight you. To the death. Please. I don't want that."

"Fuck."

"Tell her in the morning. She'll gladly help you hunt -khh- me."

Dave grinned a shade near maniacal. "You want a game of cat and mouse? With a one day head start. Sounds interesting."

John started bawling. "I can't run- hic. If she doesn't see me. Hhk. She'll challenge you. She wanted to kill you. Hkk. For the man in the cell. I don't want- hic- either of you to be killed. But I don't want to die. What do I do now, Dave?"

The maniacal glint faded from his friend's red eyes. It was replaced by something more dangerous. "You killed the man in the cell."

"I did-hic." John hung his head, showing shame. His voice was starting to recover from the burns, and he tapered back the sobs.

"I can't believe you actually fucking dare try crocodile tears when you just bit me and blooded me. You think I'm going to be convinced by sobs when you don't need to breathe?"

"Heh, caught me."

Dave pressed on the blade, forcing John to crawl back. "Don't mock me. I know what you're trying to do. I've seen it a hundred times."

"I'm trying to surrender."

"Get me to lower my guard. The moment I set down my sword, you'll kill me."

"I don't want you to die."

"So said the lifesucker." Dave barked, voice further off color. "You blooded me. You want to change me."

John grinned, all fangs, and cackled. "Wrong. _I want you._ All hell forbid a needless death unto a good man and the finest blood I've ever tasted. Changing would ruin the flavor. Why do you have to be so pure, so stainless and holy? Just a few drops of your blood were enough to roast my insides. You can't possibly be human."

Dave spat at his face. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

" _Don't stop believing~"_ John's ringtone startled them.

Dave circled around without taking eyes off of his assailant and picked up the phone. "Sup. Strider on the line."

With his sharp ears, John heard Rose respond. "Evening. An inquiry if you will: why am I speaking to you?"

Dave hesitated. "John threw up. He's planted on the floor of his living room."

"He's indisposed? All the more reason I'd like to check on him. I was expecting a text."

"I'm gonna veto that, Lalonde. He probably shouldn't move right now." Dave pinched the phone between his ear and shoulder so he could return his second hand to the katana. "Hey, we should go out sometime."

John choked on a guffaw. _Now, of all times? Honestly?_ Rose herself took a moment to respond. "You have utterly blindsided me. Not only have I expressed explicit interest in the fairer sex; I also made a threat on your life this afternoon. That provides very little basis for either a physical or emotional relationship or hookup. Are you out of your mind?"

Dave stared John down, daring the other to laugh. "That came out wrong. I'm trippin' on my tongue worse than John is trippin' on his appetite right now. Fuck, you're missing all the humor. You gotta hear this. John and I- we're watching a movie over some rad smoothies, and things are advancing right from buddy-buddy to real cozy. Even after years of all the 'purity-of-spirit' propaganda, here I am thinking with my dick. Not givin' a second thought to my vows, cause fuck that; I've had a bad week."

Dave circled back around behind John. All the vampire could see was the very tip of the blade at the side of his neck. He'd have no time to react if Dave moved to kill him.

Rose concurred. "We all have. Can I speak with John now?"

"No, listen. I'm telling a story. So this couch is comfy as fuck, and I have claimed it for my princess bedchamber. I graciously allow John to monopolize my bed- I know it's actually his sofa. That'd make me the gentleman of the chamber, not the princess. Shut up. Before I know it, John's sweet talkin the gentleman, and I make some obvious conclusions about how this will end. Turns out I was dead wrong. Real dead. The son of a bitch isn't even attracted to men. He wanted _food_ from me. Acting on sheer impulse from his stomach; worse than me thinking with my dick. I made a total fool of myself, Rose. Shoulda known better; fell face first into a top tier fuckup. Now I'm at a loss for what to do- if I should call my Bro. Except: where was I originally going with this? The monologue just carries itself wherever its inclined."

"You were attempting to clarify your intentions. You got the point across _quite_ strongly, if not clearly, considering your language and the length of your monologue. Obviously, it is not I you are interested in. Do you realize: if any of this actually took place and we presume an equivalence relation, you just stated that your trouble with your tongue is worse than your trouble with your genitalia? I can only imagine what _flavor_ of mishap you attempted to describe to me."

"Fuck, I was not talking about oral."

Rose was definitely smirking. "You tell yourself that. Please put John on the line now."

"Quiet, I'm still trying to ask you out on a date. Wait, shit."

Despite the deadly turn of the situation, John failed to cover his laugh. "Oh lordy, Dave."

"Shut it, Egbert. Rose, would you like to go out hunting with me sometime?"

Rose's audible humor dried up instantly. "When you say hunting…"

"I'm something of an exorcist. John told me you hunt vampires and shit. That you were suspicious of me."

"...He outright told you. Did he even bother to check your reflection?"

"Lalonde. Rose. Don't tell me you're an amateur. That's just a weird myth. Amateurs get _killed."_

"Though I still doubt your identity, I return the same question to you, Strider. You weren't aware there are tools and artifacts that reveal the supernatural? What are you to be so confident against an apex predator?"

"Just a guy with a sword. You?"

"I like to think myself a soldier; a conduit for another defendant and jury."

"Trading riddles is almost as sweet as a rap off as far as progress goes."

"Then I'll redact the mystery for a fair warning: are you what I've accused you of being, I am obligated to turn you over to those that will decide your fate. They don't tend toward mercy."

"I got that from John."

Rose said, exasperated, "I am yet amazed he was foolish enough to directly confront you about your apparent vampirism. This is a new depth of reckless abandon."

"Yeah, he made some real stupid moves tonight. To be fair though, I think he would've smelled it if I was undead. Anyways. Hunting. 5 PM tomorrow. I want to trade tips and make sure you aren't trying to die by supernatural encounter. That you're a professional. I can bring John with, all safe and whole. On my honour."

"Consider me sceptical but interested. May I speak with John now?"

John shrugged and quietly said, "Up to you, man. I am putty in your hands."

"...Sure, he should be good to talk." The phone slid across the floor. Dave instructed him, "Put it on speaker. One wrong word, and it's your head."

John complied. "Hi, Rose! Sorry I didn't text you. I got sick."

"Hello, John. You had me worried, especially considering my little chat with Strider there. You made no attempt to confirm or deny the status of David's race as you said you would, you utter fool. Unless you've already checked his reflection discreetly?"

"Hehe, nope. We were watching a movie and talking about Feferi, and I guess I got distracted."

Rose sighed, "Do you not care for your own life even slightly?"

"Oh gosh, of course! But I didn't see any reason to worry, and I'm trying not to act super anxious now that I'm in college." The flat of the blade tapped twice against John's neck, leaving thin burns. "I think I have to go. Stomach."

"John, you're still at risk; even moreso now. You can't expect me to leave things as they are for the night."

"Nah, Dave's clean. If you heard his prayer just now, you'd believe me."

"Implying?"

John realized his mistake. "Uhh. That vampires can't pray?"

"You shouldn't know that."

"...Dave told me."

Rose hit a peak in exasperation. "Do you honestly think he wouldn't fabricate factoids that back his persona?"

"Wow, I didn't even think of that! Is it not true then?"

"Dearest John, you are clever yet too stupid to live. It's true, yes."

"Man, do I know it. But the point is Dave is totally fine! My stomach is still not doing so good, though. See you tomorrow?"

"Of course. Get some rest."

"Thanks. You too!" John clicked the phone off and set it in front of him. He was a bit relieved Dave was behind him. He didn't have to look his former friend in the eye as he asked, "Why didn't you tell her about me?"

Dave's footsteps signaled his movement as he circled back to the front to grab the phone. "The broad strikes me as the genocidal type. Have to think about this; get my bearing before dealing with her response to the news tomorrow."

John asked, "You aren't? The genocidal type."

"It's complicated."

John tilted his head thoughtfully. "Feed me more of it."

Dave lowered his sword. Some semblance of normalcy returned to his posture. "Well, shit, John. I forgot how much of a goober you are for a moment there. Do you _want_ to die?"

"No! But I don't want to threaten you either; even moreso since you didn't tell Rose. There's some kind of holy enchantment in your blood, isn't there? Or perhaps on your body as a whole. With that inside me, you can set me alight with a single word. We'd be at a proper stalemate then."

"...Alright." Dave swung his sword down, slicing open his bare foot. Then, he brought the blade up to John's eye level. The gobs of blood coating the tip of the sword were much more generous than what John allowed himself before. Aware that a flick of the wrist could tear his face open, John carefully licked the blade clean. He couldn't help a tiny whimper.

"Mmm, not fair. Even knowing I'm drinking a live bomb, you still taste wonderful. Like spring at dawn."

"That's fucking disgusting. We've already passed sharing a bunk but sleeping on the same bed levels of weird here. Don't make it weirder."

John glanced at Dave's foot. "Do you- uhh- want me to heal that for you?"

"I've got it."

John flinched away and covered his ears. Dave's healing prayer stung him even as it wove together sundered flesh and washed away part of the stain from being blooded by a vampire. Though John wasn't able to comprehend the words, the cadence sounded familiar.

He clapped his hands over his mouth, sick all over with recognition. "Oh my. Dave, we killed Feferi."

"The fuck, Egbert? Eridan… killed… her. You tried to turn her, didn't you?"

"And you tried to heal her. We canceled each other out, healing prayer to curse. She could've _lived._ Or lived again. I didn't realize at the time. I'm so sorry."

Dave carefully sat on the floor and rested his head in his hands. "Fuck. You were trying to… what?"

"Save her, duh! The CPR? I was so desperate and angry when I realized it wasn't working. Ugh, we fucked up."

"We fucked up," Dave agreed. "Didn't realize you can blood someone after they've already died."

"Now who's the amateur? If the victim isn't brain dead, anything goes. Not that you'd last long as a one legged stalker of the night, and you have to hide the wounds if it's obvious you should be dead."

John collapsed back on the floor. His gut still stirred with a small mix of desire and fear- a constant when he was around Dave. For the most part, he was emotionally drained dry now that the immediate threat of the katana was sheathed. He was too stunned to even dread the coming day.

His head landed right next to the soiled carpet. The smell of bile flooded his nose. "Ugh, I should probably clean this up. Is it alright if I grab supplies from the bathroom?"

Dave shrugged. "As long as you remain at least five feet away from me and in my line of sight, do what you want."

As always, John moved at a human pace to the bathroom and back. No need to spook the other and get the sword drawn on him again. Carpet washed and smell cleared, he sat on the end of the sofa nearest his bedroom.

Dave dragged his four boxes into John's room. The long, heavy one was open. It contained several three piece sets of Japanese swords. So that was where the katana came from.

"Are you actually Houdini? How'd you get your sword out of that box so quickly?" Dave grunted and demonstrated. In the second between blinks, one of the smaller boxes was cut open. "Oh my gosh, you're like an actual ninja!"

Dave glanced up at him. "You can't stop being a hyperactive, anime fangirl for even five seconds to be properly intimidated? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

He took an ornate toy house from the box. It stood four inches tall with curved red shingles and floral gold trim. A dragon with masterfully painted glittering scales curled around three walls on the outside. It's daggerlike teeth stretched wide as though to bite anyone that tried to enter- perhaps a mouse. On the inside, an alabaster sculpture of an angel with a long nose sat atop a tiny cushion.

Dave dusted imaginary grime off the little house and set it in the the doorway to John's room. He sat with his legs folded beneath him and made an incomprehensible gesture with his hands. John bit back a growl when the other spoke, and the words were holy, stinging the vampire everywhere they touched.

When Dave stood, a renewed wave of mountain flowers, feathers, and ants rolled over John. "What did you just do to my room?"

Dave flopped down on the far end of the couch, the opposite of before. "Portable, instant shrine. Technique I invented myself; it's saved my life a fuckload of times."

"You consecrated my room?! You jerkface! Now I can't go in there."

"That's the point, dipshit. Can't have you offing me in my sleep."

"Alright, fine. Are you sure it can actually protect you? It's super flimsy looking."

Dave stared hard at him. "I'm not telling you if it's breakable. Now shut up. I'm rewinding this dumb movie to finish it."

"...You're seriously going to finish the movie, and I'm the dipshit?" John made to retreat to his kitchen.

"My line of sight. Sit the fuck down."

"Okay?"

The next half hour was the most tense John had experienced in all his unlife or otherwise. Neither spoke a word, and every twitch earned a reaction from the other. John couldn't breathe easily, or really breathe at all, until Dave retired for the evening. He was relieved when the other silently offered him his pillow and blanket. It was an oddly humane gesture juxtaposed with Dave's killing intent and flip of the bird as a valediction.

"If you fuck off in the middle of the night, I'm hunting you down."

"G'night to you, too?"

John was woken by the glaring light of dawn. His eyes dried immediately. He shut them and threw a blanket over his head before they started burning up. "Asshole… DAVE. CLOSE THE FUCKING CURTAINS, WOULD YOU? I'M GOING TO GO BLIND."

No one answered. It occurred to him that he couldn't hear Dave's heartbeat. Grumbling, John crawled over to the windows and groped for the blinds. Able to see again in the semi darkness, John texted Dave.

 _where are you? my eye drops and sunscreen are in my room._

After making fruit pancakes and eating half, Dave still didn't text back.

 _daaave_

 _answer your phone._

 _i'm stuck inside._

 _am i going to have to break into my own room?_

After watching a movie, Dave still didn't text back. That was odd. The guy was glued to his phone and always answered within a breath. Although, John never texted him this early before.

Maybe a call would be more successful? A personal mix of Dave's started playing from John's room- his ringtone. "Fuuuck." Resigned, John trudged over and opened his bedroom door. Just being so close to the little shrine made his stomach churn. Damn if Dave wasn't good at what he does.

Maybe he could just move it? John grabbed a broom and swatted at the toy house. The bristles parted around it. He tried the other end of the broom next. It bounced off as though the tiny house was nailed to the floor. Finally, he looked at the angel statue and layered his voice with a heavy curse, " _Grant me entrance. This is my room."_

His own scent of flour and lavender strengthened as the curse hung in the air. Tentatively, John set a foot over the threshold. It was like stepping on hot coals. He hissed and clambered back. Resigning himself to a day inside, John popped in an old classic, _Kinetic Verdancy,_ and poured over his phone. Before getting to work, he called the only person from before Lyrist that he considered worth his time. The terse conversation to update the woman with his situation left him rather drained.

At least it was Sunday and not a school day. Still, these transactions would be easier to approve or revise if he had his laptop, another possession trapped in his room.

A shower would also be wonderful right now, though it wouldn't be prudent to wash off what remained of his sunscreen when he couldn't apply more. The hint of bile still clung slightly to John, though most of it was covered by Dave's scent. Mmm. Maybe he was okay with that after all.

During the approvals, John kept glancing at the compact mirror. Giving in, he picked up the little device. It swung open smoothly. The surface inside was creamy and perfectly opaque, reflecting nothing. Disturbed, John tried not to think much about it.

After catching up on transactions, next on the list was sampling cake mixes. The delivery he received contained a clean 16 samples. Pulling from his stock of eggs, he set to work. This was the one time he'd allow himself to move at unnatural speeds for the convenience. While always a small gamble, he presumed the only person who might walk in and notice something amiss was his captive-turned-captor.

The last four cakes out of the ovens and cooling, he plopped right back down on the sofa with his cell. John was looking up options for a purchase order when Jade called him. "Hi girly."

"Hi, John!"

"Need something or calling for a chit-chat? I'm suuuper bored, I died of boredom, so either way."

"A need a favor, kind of a big one. I'm sorry for asking right after I got mad at you, but I'm kind of desperate here!"

"Sure, if there's something I can do, I'm happy to help."

Jade paused to gather herself. "So. I really need to feed Becquerel, and I forgot to stock up on food because we were in jail."

"You need me to get dog food?"

"Any food, as long as there's at least twenty pounds of it and I have it by 7 PM! I have to go into work then. Something cheap like rice or French fries is fine. See, Bec gets these mood swings, and he's _very_ hungry. Problem is I kind of can't leave my apartment while he's like this."

John thought about that. "That's a weirdly specific request. It just so happens I made- hmm- 40 pounds of cake today? More? I was going to bring it to the soup kitchen after I cut a slice of each, so I definitely don't need it."

"Why on Earth did you make so much cake, you goofball? That's perfect! Thank you, John!"

"But."

"But?"

"Funny coincidence. I'm actually stuck in my apartment until 7 PM myself. Unless Strider gets back before then. He left his phone in my room, so I can't contact him."

"Okay…" Jade proposed, "Maybe Rose could pick up the cake for me?"

"NO! Err, I mean. If you're having any _problems_ today, like it sounds like you are with Bec, it would definitely be better if Rose didn't know."

Jade spoke very carefully, "You mean the same kind of problem that you mentioned when I was talking about my grandpa?"

"Yes, exactly! I strongly recommend avoiding any and all hints that might tip off Rose. Or Dave, for that matter."

"I usually try to."

John instructed her, "You need to be extra careful with them. Way more than usual. I don't mind if you want to tell me about your troubles or if you'd prefer to keep it under the rug. Either way, Dave and Rose cannot know. This is very important."

Jade was confused. "Alright. Thanks?"

Then it hit John all over again. He was dead as soon as his captor convinced Rose of what he was; most likely in a couple of hours. His voice turned thick. "Jade?"

"Is something wrong?"

"Yeah, it is. I'm sure you've noticed how cold I am when we tussle. I have a 'problem' of my own. I might have to disappear tonight because of it, okay? If that happens, I won't be able to call you or bring you the dog food. Sorry. It's crazy to think it's only been two months, but I was super lucky to meet you. Always remember I think you're really cool no matter what."

Jade worried, "You aren't going to hurt yourself, are you?"

"No, never."

"Then- try to stay safe! Please?! You're the first person I've ever asked about- uh…"

"About your problem?"

"Yes, exactly! I had to work up the courage just to call you."

John smiled, "I'm really glad you did. Thanks for trusting me."

"I'm glad I did too. If whateveritis clears up, want to come over for tacos tomorrow evening? I… think I'd like to tell you more about it."

"I'd like that. If I'm in class tomorrow, then absolutely."

"Great!" Jade's voice dropped again. "I'm sorry, I really have to go now."

"Alright. Bye, Jade."

"Bye."

John sunk into the cushions. He couldn't bring himself to pull open the purchase options again. It struck him how odd it was that he didn't even think twice before spending the whole morning working. At a deeper level, he expected to be around to see which of his cake mixes hit the shelf. He couldn't convince himself otherwise and... he didn't really want to. That in mind, he deliberately worked until 2 and studied until Dave made an appearance at 4:45 as some small act of defiance.

The pale boy opened the door without making a sound, but John heard his heartbeat and ran out of the kitchen. "Dave! Darn you, where have you been?"

Strider sidestepped him and said, "At least five feet away, ya fucking ice cream cone."

John stumbled to a halt. "Why didn't you take your shrine down when you left? I couldn't get my sunscreen from my room. I've been stuck inside all day! And what the fuck are you wearing?"

Dave was adorned with sandals woven from straw, a white robe, and a plain satchel. "My running clothes. Was out for a marathon."

"For twelve hours?!"

"Yep. Hey, does it seem hot in here to you?"

John facepalmed. "My body is literally room temperature, Dave. I have no idea. Thermostat is all yours. Now, please go get my sunscreen for me."

Dave scratched his face with one hand and reached into his bag with the other. "Oh, it's right here. I borrowed it."

John froze. "Did you put it on?"

Dave scratched at his arm. His skin, perfectly white only a moment ago, was an angry pink. "Yeah, fucking albinism is-"

Moving at his full speed, John wrapped steely fingers around Dave and easily lifted him. Ignoring the other's sudden spike in heart rate and blessed words, the vampire crossed the room and tossed him on top of his tiny shrine. "Don't move!"

John didn't stop to thank his lucky stars. Apparently the other's blood was out of his system, and he wasn't seared through. He slowed down when he had a bucket underneath his showerhead. While he filled it, Dave yelled, "What the fuck was that?"

John heard him take a step, then another, right into the middle of the spot the vampire cursed earlier while trying to break into the shrine. Dave started screaming.

Bucket in hand, John virtually materialized in front of Dave and pushed him back into the sanctified room. Then, John stepped over the threshold himself and used a rag to scrub at Dave's face. A second rag was shoved in the pale boy's hand. John clenched his teeth so he wouldn't cry out as everything started to burn. Fuck, it _hurt._ "Hhh- Dave, you need to get it off right now."

Dave made another incomprehensible gesture with a shaking hand over the bucket of water. John had to retreat as the heat all over his body intensified. He collapsed in the hall. Dave upended the bucket on himself and sighed in relief. The water, despite coming from the tap, gave off the same smell of mountain flowers, down, and formic acid as everything else Dave blessed.

They both laid panting on opposite sides of the door for several minutes. For John, the heavy breathing was an ingrained habit rather than a psychosomatic response. Even in the middle of a crisis, even alone in the dead of night, never let up the human act, John always told himself.

"You okay?" John's voice was scratchy from burns once again.

"Sort of. You?"

"Think so. Aloe. In the drawer. Please."

Dave crawled over to the dresser. He hissed as he rubbed the green goo on himself. John rolled to get a better view of his roommate's injuries. Dave's skin was a pallette of various reds. All over his body, large blisters were starting to form. Glancing at his hands, John realized he didn't look any better, though he turned brown instead of red.

Still on his hands and knees, Dave moved back to the doorway and handed the aloe to John. While he applied it, Dave took up his healing prayer. Though the cut the night before knit together almost instantly, it took roughly a third of an hour for the blisters to dissolve and the color to fade from his skin.

John curled up and covered his ears the entire time, occasionally whimpering. It would've been wise to move away, but everything hurt too much. It felt like his body was poked full of holes, scraped with sand, and dried out, like some wise guy thought John-beef jerky was a great new flavor to try.

Dave grabbed his phone and presumably texted Rose to warn of their delayed arrival. He sat in the hall and prodded John. The contact made the vampire whimper. "You're not healing like yesterday."

"...Need blood."

"Only you have the nerve to be sheepish about it. Fuck, this would be easier if you sounded like a predator."

"Wha-?" Were John in better health, he would've laughed at the contradicting phrase. As it was, he shuddered slightly.

"Take it." Dave dangled his wrist under John's nose.

Awareness slipping away, John latched onto the limb with a grip strong enough to bruise. Without so much as extending his fangs, he sucked on the skin.

"The fuck. Did I ask for a hickey?"

"Sorry." Snapping out of it, he turned his head and dug a single fang in. A blood haze immediately set in, but the menthol-like kick was stronger than the day before and countered it. It was strange, a feeling of drifting asleep and being shocked awake at the same time. Unsure how to react, he pulled back.

"That was enough to heal?" Dave asked. He almost sounded angry.

"No."

"Then you're not done."

"No."

Dave pressed his arm against John's lips. It was bizarre. He longed to claim the man that wild scent belonged to _;_ tackle Dave and pin him, charm him and bite him. Yet, here John was, curled up on the floor, hurting too much to move, and being force fed. It made him nervous. Part of him quaked, recognizing again that Dave looked like another vampire at the absolute peak of fitness. It screamed at him to run and hide, that sitting helpless at the other's feet was a death sentence.

This time holding onto Dave delicately, he bit and drank his fill. When he finally let go, he realized how slow Dave's heartbeat was. Definitely more than a pint. "Oh my gosh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

Dave cut him off with poisonous words. It was another variant of the healing prayer. After several minutes, Dave's heartbeat returned to normal. Cheater.

John said, "Thank you much."

"Don't you fucking dare thank me. I promised Rose I'd give you to her whole. Nothing more." Despite the hostilities, Dave leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes. He was completely exposed. "And what the fuck was in that sunscreen? I was fine for half a day."

"Nothing. It's regular sunblock, but I cursed it so it'd absorb holy light. Honestly, I'm not sure what the difference is between that and regular old UVs, but it works."

"Never heard of that technique. Why didn't I react until I showed up here? I'd think you did it on purpose if you didn't end up as a slice of bacon as a result."

John pointed at Dave accusingly. He ignored the other's closed eyes. "I may have put a much stronger curse in the hallway that the sunscreen reacted to. But it's not my fault! You're the stupid dumb that rubbed the curse into your skin. I was just trying to get into my room."

"I had no fucking idea that was possible. Thanks, ya lifeleech. Now I'll be hella paranoid about demons during the day." Dave waved his phone. Then, he retrieved the eye drops. "Got your messages. What are these for?"

"Saline-sunblock-dye solution. Again, it's cursed. Please do not put these in your eyes, Dave. You'll go blind." John pulled off his glasses to administer the drops. His irises were once again stained blue.

"Speaking of-" Dave plucked the square glasses up and looked through them. "How the fuck do you see with these on?"

John blinked. "Uhh. That's how glasses work? They bend light so it hits the focal point in my eyes? This is a completely human thing, Dave. I realize you think glasses are for looking cool-"

"Oh, shut up, Egbert. I'm not a cave hermit. I know the way of the sciences. I mean how can _you_ see with this particular pair?"

"I don't think that changes my answer?"

"Ho- Shit. Is this your real prescription?"

John prodded him with a toe until Dave noticed the stern look he was getting. "Dave. Man. Duh. They're my glasses; my prescription. You don't think I'm a creep, do you? I wouldn't steal someone else's."

"Whatever the fuck you tried yesterday defines creepy." Dave wrinkled his nose. "Consider this anatomy & weird shit 101. I thought your eyes are better than ours."

"Ha! They were a long time ago. Daily sunlight is bad for my eyes, dumbass. I'll go blind from it eventually. But you had no idea! You're~ an~ amateur."

"None of the demonic creatures I've killed were dumb enough to brave the sun so often."

"None of them were smart enough to!" Dave arched a brow. John was never getting over how they framed his eyes. "C'mon. You and Rose didn't notice a thing for two months. Clearly, the elaborate human act is accomplishing something."

"Exactly." Dave bodily turned toward him, hands on his knees, weight forward. John had his full attention. "I need to know precisely how you did it. You claim you want me to live. Tell me. I'm not confident I'll survive the second time I'm tricked like last night."

"Sure thing, buddy!" John turned out his pockets and tugged at his sweatshirt. Several hand warmers spilled out, and another sweatshirt was under the first. "I avoid most touching but also put in some effort to make casual contact with my hands. Establish the illusion. In case I can't avoid other contact, I try to hold onto as much heat as possible. Fidgeting a lot to create friction helps a little. For the most part, I layer in dark colors and sit in the sun as much as possible."

"The hyperactiveness is deliberate." Dave rubbed his temple. "I want to call you a tricky little fucker, but that's kind of an obvious solution in hindsight."

"Thank you! Of course, the soc and psych stuff is a lot more important than the physical stuff." John's phone went off. "Hang on. Hi, Rose!"

"John Egbert. Dearest. Where in hell are you?"

"Oh, shoot! It's already 5:25? I'm really sorry! We haven't left my apartment yet. We got distracted by- uh- by… this movie?"

"By 'movie', you mean your new roommate?"

"No!" John squeaked. His voice jumped an octave and a quarter. "We'll be there in ten minutes, alright?"

"Alright, thank you."

"See you soon!" John hung up. He knew his metabolism didn't work that quickly, but his skin was back to its usual tan- that is, heavily sun scorched- and his limbs felt springy. It was the act of sacrilege that strengthened him. Nonetheless, his feet were heavy and he had to drag himself to the door. He picked up the sunblock and reapplied it. Dave changed into regular clothes- plus sunglasses and three swords- and joined him.

John locked the door behind them and handed Dave the keys to the apartment. Quietly, he instructed the other, "I made some cakes for taste testing earlier. Could you drop them off at the soup kitchen for me?" _Sorry, Jade._ "You're welcome to keep whatever you can eat, but the cake mix has been processed to hell and back. Sorry. For the rest, there's a collapsible luggage dolly in the closet. My food permit is in the rightmost drawer in the kitchen, but you probably won't need it. I do this every Saturday, so they won't expect any problems with the cakes. Oh, and there are fruit pancakes in the fridge! Those are Dave-safe."

"If you take a liking to the piano, the C5 key is broken. Breally's on 5th Avenue is familiar enough with the model to fix it. I guess I never got around to it. Umm, otherwise, it's a relatively expensive model- not the nicest I own, mind- but pawning it should cover about seven months of rent. At least in this building. Probably more elsewhere." John wracked his brain for anything else, blinking rapidly.

"Why the fuck are you doing this." Dave's question was more of a demand.

John twiddled his thumbs. "I dunno. I guess this is it. Gotta convince Rose you didn't kill the dude in jail."

"You could've easily snapped my neck or let me burn today."

John shrugged. "Can't say I've never done that before. It's not easy, though."

"That's why you need to die." If ever Dave managed a perfect poker face, it was now. His heart didn't stutter. He doubted none of his words. "You should've run."


End file.
